I'll wait for something more
I'm a mess. A ridiculous, narcissistic emotional mess. I'm full of questions and full of shit. I'm bloated with worry, water weight and a variety of dessert. And I can't see past the absorption of my own existence.
I have nothing in common with George Michael - though I wish I could be more like him. No, I don't want to be found in a public restroom investigating a glory hole, but I do want to have faith.
Having spent much of my life anticipating it, I’ve found that I try to control the outcome of, well, everything. I’m sure there’s a deep seeded psychological reason for it based in fear. Most issues are, right? Right? But the truth is, I think it’s because I lack faith.
Faith has the power to remind us that we can handle any situation. I mean, I’ve lived through stuff. I’ve proven I can survive disappointment, heartbreak, a father’s backhand. I’ve had bad bosses, bad boyfriends, bad roommates. I’ve dealt with broken homes, broken cars and break ups. I’ve had pets die, friends die, family die…. So why am I convinced that I need to prevent it or manage it or control it all before it happens? Is it a vain attempt to prevent some possible pain?
Sometimes, before I go to sleep, I close my eyes tightly and ask the Universe to show me its will. I lay there capitulating to the Universe, trying to offer myself up to whatever I’m supposed to learn. But I’m a liar and the Universe knows it. What I really want is to have the Universe take care of me and make everything better and make it easy. What I really want to ask is, “How can I get what I want?” or “How can I win the lottery?” Not, “Will you reveal your will?” I even bargain with it, in my head. Not unlike a 4 year old child who really wants a last story read to her, actually, “Universe, I promise I’ll learn this lesson if you just read ONE more story….” The irony is, My Universe is reading the story, I just happen to be the main character and can’t see yet, where the story is going.
I want to believe there’s something good waiting for me. I want to believe there’s something good happening for me *right now*. I want to believe that there’s a lesson waiting to be learned and there’s a lesson I’m learning as I type. I want to believe that there is a power greater than myself taking care of things so I don’t have to. I want to say, as Carrie Underwood sings, Jesus Take the Wheel. OK, I watch American Idol and I don’t really care if it’s Jesus who’s driving – I don’t even know if he’s a good driver. But I want to believe he is and that he might even be better at it than I am even if there were no such things as cars when he was alive.
I just want to believe: in something, in someone, in you, in the beat, in the children being our future, that when you fall in love it will last forever, in what your heart is saying, I can fly, that I’m walking on air and feel so fre-e-e, that for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows, that you and me can turn a whisper to a scream, and the angels listen, god hears us pray. Most of all, I want to believe when someone claps a faerie lives. Damn it.
I think it’s time to start shaking it, whatever the IT is that makes Faith real. I need to start looking in those places the lucky devout find it. The soapbox, the rock, the hill, the mount. I want to go to the Church of Unshakable Faith and judge and pity the world around me for not being blessed by God but feel fucking incredible KNOWING I’ll be saved. I want to feel sad for those without God’s presence and ye of little faith. Hell, I’ll pray at the Church of Elvis and wiggle what God gave me if I can find harmony in the rhythm of the world.
Faith is all I want. Universe, when you get a second, could you tell me that story?