Life As a Raisin

It seems like Humpty Dumpty was on to something. In fact I think that Egg knew a thing or two about commitment because, even though, like me, he was a wall sitter, he, unlike me, made a decision about that wall.

OK, maybe he didn’t DECIDE to fall so much. But he did it with enough conviction that he couldn’t be put back together again. That’s gotta count for something.

I’ve always been good with my sense of balance and Lord knows I love standing on top of things and checking out the view. Some say I’ve turned the act into an art. And after years of rigorous practice and intense focus, I would confidently call myself a professional Fence Sitter.

Some of you out there may read that and judge me. If so, quit that. You know who you are and you’ve done it too. But I admit it. I spend a lot of my life straddling decisions. I like to call this the ‘Gathering Information’ phase. Mostly, because it makes me feel better about this process I go through. Yeah, I will ask questions, ask more questions, consider options, and then some other options, talk about the options, share my thoughts about those options with others, pine over outcomes, harness every outcome I can, future trip – with a full luggage ensemble trailing behind me, wonder if I’m doing the right thing, if there is a right thing and then, when I really need to make that decision, still be confounded about which direction to choose.

My friend loves to tell me I have one foot in everything but both feet are cold – and that I just need to jump in with both feet and see what happens. Maybe she’s right. I think somewhere along the way I learned that by not committing to any one thing, I could partially commit to all things. Or maybe that’s how I like to dress it up and I am just terrified of commitment. The irony of course, is that I’m acting committed. I’m doing all the committed things, I’m just thinking non-committed thoughts. You know, just in case. And in my 7 years of collecting elective courses (what?), I called this the Hummingbird Approach. I mean, c’mon. The world is full of pretty flowers, how could I choose just one?

This approach was great for a career undergrad and it worked out really well for man-jumping through short term relationships where someone (uh, him) always smelled of soup or laughed a bit too much like Howdy Doody. Most importantly, it’s done wonders for my artistic expression. Seriously, I love being tortured by the act of deciding. It’s slightly healthier than a drug addiction and it creates great self absorbed writing material. But I think at some point, ya just need to take a chance, right? You just need to say, I’m gonna risk this and see where it leads me. And man, I love that idea.

Don’t get me wrong. I do make decisions. I do it all the time. In fact, I’m almost spontaneous about the decision. For example, it took me MONTHS of torturous second, third, and fourth thoughts to decide to move to Arizona. But finally I just said, “fuck it” without having any saner or more sensible reason to do so. And here I am, melting in the sun. So really, it’s just the process of deciding that takes me a long time. It’s going through the rigamarole, navigating the obstacle course of choices, and hoping some divine intervention will find me worthy of The Message that will set me on my true course.

It’s true, I’m still waiting for God to provide me the path and I have a lot of faith that he’ll be coming to me in some form soon. Just so you know, I tend to walk slowly by bushes – just in case. Until then, I think I’m going to employ some other decision making techniques. I’m making a concentrated effort to live my life by the toss of a coin, by instinct, by faith, and by hope. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited to see where this leads me.