Life As a Raisin

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

This week my life has been thematically conceived by the ego. I'm not even sure what that means yet, but I know it sounds right. I was home for the week and was feeling the love and undoubtedly that goes straight to my head. Telling my stories like a troubadour without the music or epic adventure of love, I bounced from friend to friend with the news of life's changing events. I realized, more than my penchant for repetition, that I'm chasing down change right now and making it scream, "uncle". I'm changing marital status (for more than the tax breaks!), I'm buying a new house, I'm trying to get into ASU for an advanced degree, I got a new dog who likes to poo in the guest room (come over, seriously!) and I'm steadily gaining what feels like a pound a day.... Ironically, the only thing constant through all this has been my hair color.

When I decided to move to Arizona I thought I had all these great and inspired reasons. Maybe I did though a part of me knows I was just trying to convince myself that reason had anything to do with it. I always seem to make major life decisions slightly outside of myself, like that bystander who yells, FIGHT - just to see what happens. Somehow the Eager in me just thrives on making that Fuck It decision - just to see how it all works out.

When I got to Arizona I was confused. This wasn't a vacation. This is where I chose to live. Strip malls, three shades of brown, cacti and succulents, and people who expect me to know the difference between north, south, east, and west. I thought it would be OK - I mean, I could buy a house, right? And then I was rudely awakened that $7 couldn't buy a house here - even if it was the freakin' desert.

But I'm Here now and I'm getting less lost. The strip malls are becoming distinctive. I'm paying attention to store fronts. I come home and have two retarded dogs jump all over me and remind me that I'm loved. I'm bickering (or bantering, depending on the day) with the best boy I've ever known - and life is good. Yeah, I'll probably end up looking like a raison come July, but what healthier snack is there than sunshine and change?

And my Ego is becoming my ego. There's a friction that's dissipating. The need to Prove myself or Be something is becoming less important. The idea of One Day at a Time seems like more than a silly 70's sitcom. Who knows, maybe change is good or maybe it's those reasons I labored through for so long - or maybe the part of me that likes to say, Fuck It knows something after all.