Life As a Raisin

Oh yeah, I'm feeling it, right between my thighs alright. Unfortunately, it's the love that comes from a big bowl of Mint Chip Ice Cream or a taunting bag of kettle style chips.

The other day I realized I was getting fat. I'm pretty sure when you sit down on the toilet and your thighs are so close together you actually propel your urine up into the slope of the toilet bowl basin so that it actually gurggles on the precipice threatening to splash your underpants, theres a problem. And so now I'm getting unfat. And it's all about the motivation, really. Most days I make it to the gym and when I'm thinking of not going, I ask myself this, "is not going getting me closer or farther from my goal?" and for some unknown reason, for the first time in my life, this seems to be working.

This brings me to goals. Does setting them really help? Or are goals benchmarks by which to measure our disappointments? For me, it's been something in my life I hope for, but don't really work at. It's much like my belief that I'll win the lottery one day even though I never buy tickets..

Anyway, the point is I need to participate in my life to make it something worthwhile - to make it something of which I'm proud. If I'm not engaged in my life, why should you be? And the Lord knows I need an audience for all this. So now I'm dropping pounds, writing stories, sharing myself, catching crushes like a cold (that's another topic), and finding goals that I not only want to reach - but will work toward.

Posted by vibespright at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

This week my life has been thematically conceived by the ego. I'm not even sure what that means yet, but I know it sounds right. I was home for the week and was feeling the love and undoubtedly that goes straight to my head. Telling my stories like a troubadour without the music or epic adventure of love, I bounced from friend to friend with the news of life's changing events. I realized, more than my penchant for repetition, that I'm chasing down change right now and making it scream, "uncle". I'm changing marital status (for more than the tax breaks!), I'm buying a new house, I'm trying to get into ASU for an advanced degree, I got a new dog who likes to poo in the guest room (come over, seriously!) and I'm steadily gaining what feels like a pound a day.... Ironically, the only thing constant through all this has been my hair color.

When I decided to move to Arizona I thought I had all these great and inspired reasons. Maybe I did though a part of me knows I was just trying to convince myself that reason had anything to do with it. I always seem to make major life decisions slightly outside of myself, like that bystander who yells, FIGHT - just to see what happens. Somehow the Eager in me just thrives on making that Fuck It decision - just to see how it all works out.

When I got to Arizona I was confused. This wasn't a vacation. This is where I chose to live. Strip malls, three shades of brown, cacti and succulents, and people who expect me to know the difference between north, south, east, and west. I thought it would be OK - I mean, I could buy a house, right? And then I was rudely awakened that $7 couldn't buy a house here - even if it was the freakin' desert.

But I'm Here now and I'm getting less lost. The strip malls are becoming distinctive. I'm paying attention to store fronts. I come home and have two retarded dogs jump all over me and remind me that I'm loved. I'm bickering (or bantering, depending on the day) with the best boy I've ever known - and life is good. Yeah, I'll probably end up looking like a raison come July, but what healthier snack is there than sunshine and change?

And my Ego is becoming my ego. There's a friction that's dissipating. The need to Prove myself or Be something is becoming less important. The idea of One Day at a Time seems like more than a silly 70's sitcom. Who knows, maybe change is good or maybe it's those reasons I labored through for so long - or maybe the part of me that likes to say, Fuck It knows something after all.

Posted by vibespright at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

You might be looking at this and thinking to yourself, what can this mean? What is this really trying to say? The truth is, it's saying nothing because I haven't written anything yet. Just remember, I'm not really here to entertain. I was just saying that.

Posted by vibespright at 08:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)